One of the greatest addictions the mind has is to the idea that there is a problem.
It is one of the great differences of life perceived from the mind vs. life perceived from our true being. From the mind there is always a problem. And life seems to provide more than enough evidence. Infertility is a great example. The mind interprets infertility as a problem. From my perspective, there is NO PROBLEM.
Let me explain what I mean.
People read this and charge me with being in denial. Infertility is indeed painful. I know this. I would be a fool and an idiot myself to deny that infertility is not painful. And the world is indeed filled with cruelty, idiocy, violence, abuse and pain. As I explain my view, hopefully you will not make the mistake of believing I am in denial. I would be naive not to recognize that the world is full of pain. Once you come to know this it actually becomes easier to exist in. You stop asking the world to be pain free. You stop asking infertility not to be painful.
But back to the idea of PROBLEM.
Mind sees things problematically. It is one of the most powerful functions of the mind – to solve things.
Minds are here to solve – it is one of the most powerful uses of the mind. Because the mind has the power to solve things and to do things better, this capacity of mind which is always finding solutions, very easily mistakes its ability to find solutions for the constant perception that there is a problem….and it always starts close. Generally the first thing the mind thinks there is a problem with is YOU. Have you noticed? If fact YOU would never feel depressed or anxious trying to conceive if you didn’t think there was a problem. That is why you are reading this blog. You believe there is a problem. That is why when you think there is NO PROBLEM your search is over with. Not because you have found a solution to the non existent problem, you have seen that there isn’t one. My program does not SOLVE anyone’s difficulties. It shows you that there isn’t any problem. There are situations to deal with. Some are easy, some are difficult. But situations and difficulty are very different than the constant perception of PROBLEM.
The mind always thinks it is a problem. It has mythologized the idea that it is a problem.
The mythology of ORIGINAL SIN is the ultimate manifestation of the mind’s problematic viewpoint. You could not have a bigger problem than from the very beginning someone skewed up. And everyone else has to pay. This is just a projection of the way the minds sees things as a problem.
The mind actually has NO interest in solving problems. It has a great interest in having problems. Because as soon as it solves one problem it creates another. It will not stay happy (problem free) for long. The mind cannot afford to stay happy for long. Because if you are content (regardless of the circumstances of your life) then the mind is not dominating your experience. It is not in the center of your experience anymore. You’re not so concerned about yourself when you are happy. If you are unhappy, the perception that you are in control (I can solve this problem) stays predominant in your experience. When you are happy, you forget your SELF perception. You are not so concerned with yourself. Human entrainment is largely focused around how well it makes you forget yourself. If you don’t forget yourself, you don’t enjoy yourself. Because if we don’t forget ourselves, we tend to be unhappily solving problem after problem. Skydiving, a good movie, your favorite music….you get LOST in these things. If you like going for walks in the wilderness it is because walking makes you forget yourself and this constant perspective that there is a problem.
When we come to the conception process, if it does not happen as we expect, we naturally bring this perception (we have it in all other aspects of our lives) to this situation. When I become a mother, then I won’t have a problem.
So we begin by seeing a specialist, taking medications, changing our diet, reducing our exercise, taking a sabbatical from work, trying assisted reproduction. Eventually, we doubt our spirituality, bargain with God and seek counselling. We are asking for help with our problem. And then when none of this works, it confirms our inadequacy, supports the mind’s illusion, and we despair. And we become obsessed now with the idea that a baby, any baby, will get rid of the problem. What my work suggests is that you don’t get rid of your problem by having a baby. You see there isn’t a problem – baby or no baby. Unless we see this, the sense of ourselves as a problem dominates the search to conceive triggering the fight/flight response in the body, leaving us in a hopeless cycle of despair. And we live under the illusion that when we conceive or have a baby that we will get rid of the problem. But you don’t get rid of your problem. You see there isn’t a problem. Unless we see this, the sense of ourselves as a problem dominates the search to conceive and the process of mothering when we do have a family. And it creates a lot of stress.
This idea that there is a problem has nothing to do with exteriors (the circumstances of our lives), it has to do with our relationship to exteriors. It does not mean there is not difficult things in life, terrible violence, unfairness, stupidity, cruelty. The inner attitude of THE PROBLEM is a particular way of relating to oneself and the world around us that creates an inner attitude of problem, always problem, always problem. When we really see into reality, we see for ourselves, and maybe for the first time, that regardless of our circumstances, that we are not a problem. We see that which is untouched and unharmed by the mind’s conditioning – by the past. As pleasant or as painful as the past has been, it is a revelation to experience ourselves as unharmed by it. That our true nature cannot be harmed by the past, present or future. Even if our emotional body and our psychology feels and experiences harm, our true nature does not perceive that problematically. We feel a natural joy. Our true nature perceives pain as an experience, not as a problem. There is no judgment. There is nothing to solve. As soon as we see ourselves or something else as a problem we are locked into a problematic viewpoint. The mind will always see from this viewpoint until we discover the truth of our being. That is what my curriculum does. It helps you discover the truth of your being; relaxed, whole, creative, fertile. Regardless of external circumstances. It also helps many women conceive.
Stress - Infertility Insight
http://www.kurzweilai.net/mindfulness-meditation-training-changes-brain-structure-in-8-weeks
It is through the establishment of the lovely clarity of mindfulness that you can let go of grasping after past and future, overcome grief, abandon all anxiety, and awaken an unshakable freedom of heart. This practice is the foundation of International Fertility’s stress reduction program for infertility.
10 Minute Daily Relaxation Exercise: Learning to Practice Mindfulness
The New Year is an apt and powerful metaphor for the fertility process. When we struggle with infertility it can be very difficult to know when to move forward with our lives and leave “infertility” behind. This step can feel like a death more than a moving forward.
From a psychological perspective, if we insist on prolonging or get stuck in a certain process, we lose the happiness, contentment and ultimately the meaning of the other subsequent stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, grieving loss, closing doors, ending chapters – however we name it, is crucial to the fertility process and ultimately, is part of what enables conception. We see this in women who have chosen adoption after many years of infertility and suddenly become pregnant. We must let go of past moments of life that have finished and imagined outcomes that are not realized.
You did not conceive this past year. You have undoubtedly spent a lot of time and energy wondering why this has happened. You have told yourself you will do anything and everything in your power to resolve this issue before you take another step forward. You will not move on until you find out WHY what you thought was so important to you and what feels like your birth right as a woman has turned to dust, just like that. This attitude is profoundly stressful for everyone involved: for YOU, your partner, your parents, your friends and your siblings.
Everyone and everything ends, turns over, begins again, moves on with life. We suffer emotionally, spiritually and mentally when we can’t let go.
You are not pregnant right NOW and so the best thing we can do is to let go. It is so important (however painful it may be!) to move on.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of a larger and more constant invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and minds. Letting go of infertility also and importantly means making room for other fertile processes to take place, to take root in us.
Let go. Release.
Life is profoundly uncertain, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. How we deal with LOSS, therefore, is a reflection of how we live. Naturally, we try and hold onto the thing that is no longer part of our lives. However, we must understand that it is a stage in a process. What happens next is very, very important. Conception is not our birthright. A fertile developmental process is!
What is profoundly stressful is when we avoid loss by trying to do things to FIX what we have little control over. When we have done all we can and we still do not have what we want, we turn away, walk away, avoid the loss.
However what we must know is that ALL things evolve and change. Which means leaving things behind, grieving and drawing on our strength to move through something.
Stop turning on your anxiety news radio to listen to the same program over and over again, the one that describes how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting the present as it is!
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without the child you long for now – nothing is irreplaceable, a longing is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult to accept, but it is very important and it is true.
Close this cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because life is waiting for you to move forward.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you imagined you were, and change into who you are.
Know that Grief is a door. Emptiness is a door. Disappointment is a door.
Anything that calls us to our Divinity is a door.
Step through the hole of loss that is at the center of your heart.
Then
Abre la puerta
Open the door.
Happy New Year.
Studies have proven that prolonged stress and the inevitable depression that follows prolonged stress, negatively impact fertility. Out of the 27 studies that have researched the relationship between distress and infertility, 20 studies have proven that stress and depression negatively impact conception. Women often ask me how to determine if stress is impacting conception. I want to share with you my response.
When we discuss reducing stress to enhance fertility, we are referring to a very specific form of stress: the “fight or flight response.” This fundamental physiologic response forms the foundation of modern day stress medicine and has an interesting and treatable role in infertility. The “fight or flight response” is our body’s primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to “fight” or “flee” from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival. Originally discovered by the great Harvard physiologist Walter Cannon, this response is hard-wired into our brains and represents a genetic wisdom designed to protect us from bodily harm. This response actually corresponds to an area of our brain called the hypothalamus, which—when stimulated—initiates a sequence of nerve cell firing and chemical release that prepares our body for running or fighting. When we treat the hypothesis that this protective and automatic bodily reaction is triggered by infertility – a perceived threat to life, conception rates increase significantly.
What are the signs that our fight or flight response has been stimulated (activated) by infertility?
When our fight or flight response is activated, sequences of nerve cell firing occur and chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream. These patterns of nerve cell firing and chemical release cause our body to undergo a series of very dramatic changes. Our respiratory rate increases. Blood is shunted away from our digestive tract and reproductive system and directed into our muscles and limbs, which require extra energy and fuel for running and fighting. Our pupils dilate. Our awareness intensifies. Our sight sharpens. Our impulses quicken. Our perception of pain diminishes. Our immune system mobilizes with increased activation. We become prepared—physically and psychologically—for fight or flight. We scan and search our environment, “looking for the enemy.” You may experience thinking of nothing other than infertility, irrational beliefs such as “I am unlovable if I cannot conceive.” You may notice you have an exaggerated startle response. You may experience a heroic “mobilization” to fix the problem. You may cry when you see young children, pregnant women and babies. You may avoid baby showers and co-workers who are pregnant. You may fight with your loved ones. You may not be able to see a happy future without conceiving. You may try and manage every aspect of your physical process eliminating caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, seafood etc….to try and overcome infertility.
When our fight or flight system is activated, we tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat. By its very nature, the fight or flight system bypasses our rational mind—where our more well thought out beliefs exist—and moves us into “alert” mode. This state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world as a possible threat to our ability to pass on our genes. As such, we tend to see everyone and everything as a possible enemy. Like airport security during a terrorist threat, we are on the look out for every possible danger. We may overreact to the slightest comment. Our fear is exaggerated. Our thinking is distorted. We see everything through the filter of possible danger. We narrow our focus to those things that can harm us. Fear becomes the lens through which we see the world. We fear our primary relationship may not survive infertility. We fear other’s successes will showcase our inadequacy. We fear we are missing out on how life “should” proceed. We fear there is something inherently wrong with us.
We can begin to see how it is almost impossible to cultivate positive attitudes, beliefs and create the physiological conditions that nurture and support new life when we are stuck in survival mode . Our heart is not open. Our rational mind is disengaged. Our consciousness is focused on fear, not love. Making clear choices and recognizing the consequences of those choices is unfeasible. We are focused on short-term survival, not the long-term consequences of our beliefs and choices. When we are overwhelmed with excessive stress, our life becomes a series of short-term medical emergencies. We lose the ability to relax and enjoy the moment. We live from medical crisis to medical crisis, with no relief in sight. Depression is inevitable. If you are experiencing two or more of these symptoms, you can be sure you are physiologically experiencing “fight/flight.”
When we understand the function of stress, we can reverse this automatic response and its relationship to infertility by learning to elicit the relaxation response. This emotional crossroads (a common outcome of infertility) is what usually provides the motivation to then examine our reality. Women I treat are often propelled to step back and look at the big picture of their lives—welcoming a review of their beliefs, their values and their goals. Women who learn to physiologically train their bodies in deep relaxation while experiencing infertility not only increase conception rates by 55% but also report a sense of thriving in their lives, regardless of conception.
The most common relaxation techniques include: diaphragmatic breathing, the body scan, engaged mindfulness, yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, autogenic training and imagery, and can be practiced daily by simply downloading a 20 minute digital exercise and following along. Research confirms that practicing 10 – 20 minutes daily (or twice daily) for three weeks will train your body in sustained relaxation. Enjoy. Namaste.
